The biggest commitment I’ve ever made in my life is raising my kids. In Igbo tradition, we have something known as Omugwo which means that when you have a child your mom comes to help you during that very precious time. In my case, my mom and dad both came for three months. My mom did not understand the concept of daycare when the baby was only 2 – 12 months old. So, she said, “Let me take this child back to Nigeria,” and I braved it and joined my parents to travel back to Nigeria and left my daughter with my mom. She was there with my mom for six months, and in that time, I recalibrated what it means to be a mom. When my daughter came back, just before she turned one year old, she was just chubby and healthy, and you could tell that she was well taken care of. She was nurtured.  My experience of raising a Black child in the earliest stages is like every parent’s experience – relying on family, and making sure that first and foremost, the child knows they’re loved and provided for.

I had my first wake-up call when my daughter was 4 years old. We were living in South Hill; Virginia and my daughter was in preschool. One day I came to pick her up and I noticed something in each of the kid’s cubbies, but not my daughter’s.  I asked a teacher about this, and she was very sheepish and did not want to respond. So, I grabbed the note from the cubby next to my daughter’s and saw that it was a birthday invitation. My daughter was one of two Black kids in her class. Neither received an invitation.

My own dad, who studied here in the U.S. and started his family here, never talked to his kids about racism after the family relocated from Pittsburgh to Nigeria. But this is the one thing he said: “When you go back abroad or to the “white man’s land”, remember something. Know your value and bring value. If you bring value, people know and say your name.” And that’s pretty much been my focus. This is a legacy of value I’ve now passed on to my own children.

That preschool experience would not be my daughter’s last run-in with racism in education, but I taught her and my other two children to focus on their purpose. I’ve taught them that purpose will bring the definition of what your value is and with that, you’ll be fulfilled.

Here are three things I asked my daughter to consider doing in her own life:

1. DEFINE YOUR STANDARDS:

   First, I asked my daughter to define her standards for the people she wanted to spend time with. I asked her to consider the following questions:  

   • Who are the kind of people you want to be around?
   • Do you have specific standards?
   • What are they?
   • Which of these standards are non-negotiable and which ones are not?

   I wrote down her answers and said “Good. Now you walk around with that list. When someone is engaging with you, ask yourself in your mind, do they check number one, two, three, or four on your list? You may not find someone who checks all the boxes, but some of the boxes should be checked, because with those answers, you have just defined who you are. And that can evolve over time. But if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. So, know “what” you stand for.” The real work is “knowing oneself.”

2. HAVE AN ADVISORY COUNCIL OR ADVISORY TEAM

   Second, I told my daughter to establish her advisory council. Even the CEO of the largest corporations have advisors because an idea that is vetted by trusted people is better. An advisory council is best if it includes:

   • Two adults (older and younger) 
   • A peer
   • Someone who’s younger
   • A blend of family and teachers

   Once she had decided on her personal “advisory council,” I told her to ask them questions, and get their feedback. Now when she goes back to thinking about the question, she has a subset of what the world sees. She may still end up with the same decision that she started off with, but now it’s more informed. It makes her more well-rounded and either convinced of her decision or adjusted to something helpful. The world is not meant to be navigated alone, but that needs to be thought about strategically.

3. CHOOSE A CLOSE FRIEND/PARTNER CAREFULLY

   Finally, I told my daughter that the third piece is understanding when it comes to finding a close friend/partner, this is a serious decision. It doesn’t happen in a silo, families get to know each other, and get to build relationships. So go back to that list. Make sure the bases are covered and then make sure that person has purpose above all else. These are things to think about when thinking of a close friend/partner at any level and it’s not something you take lightly. Your purpose should align in some way with theirs.

   THE BIRTHDAY STORY ENDING
   I cannot control the effects of racism my children may experience, but I will continue to teach them to know their own value, and how to use that to be of value and to lead further development of solutions to address racism.

   Now let’s revisit that first experience of exclusion that my daughter encountered in preschool.
   I wanted to make sure my daughter knew her value and so I did not allow her preschool experience to be one of exclusion. Instead, when it was time for my daughter to have her own birthday party, I made it big, I made it loud, and everybody was invited.